Tête-à-tête (tāt ə ˈtāt,ˌtet ə ˈtet)

     noun 1. a private conversation between two people.

The Tête-à-tête series is yet another attempt of pursuing something creative in the hopes that looking through life filled with constant wonder and amazement - for its beauty and grime, rawness and surrealism - could evoke inspiration and hope for future Jane.

I named it Tête-à-tête to symbolize two things: 1.) Two forms of media that I love and the wonderful stories they weave together. 2.) Two people - the writer and the reader - sharing secrets and experiences between the lines of a short story, an essay or in this instance, a poem. This series will feature photographs of things I find alluring, and a form of spontaneous and usually unedited literature of my own making.

You think it's easier to live when disappointment
can't come sprawling between your toes, and failure
can't sprout from the soil underneath your feet.
So you suffocate the hope tied on your ankles, and
extinguish the flames of fervor burning in your chest.

You wake up hoping to view life by the sidelines,
as if the photographs you took at 2:46am could
mask the empty films scattered on your sheets.
You forget that your worth is not a currency
other people can buy & control at their whim.
You forget that every inhale your lungs make is of
hope, of silver linings, and of better things to come.

You need to start filling the holes you've dug
in your ivory bones with kind words instead of
criticisms. You need to look at your scars and
see them for what they are: humanity,
experience, history and grace.

There's a difference between humility and
carving flesh out of your ribs until you're
left with the remnants of compliments you
felt you were unworthy of.
You can't keep exsanguinating your veins,
hoping to find more, when there's nothing
left to save.

Darling, there's nothing worth with cowering
in the darkness for a little while - even beautiful
sunsets acquiesce to evenings.
But you need to rise again. It is only then that
you begin to find yourself. It is only then that
you discover, you are living.

- 10/19/16

The discussion and propagation of self-care has recently risen to popularity in the last few years due in part to the masses' increasing regard for health and wellness. Contrary to popular belief, self-love isn't always enjoyable or easy. Sometimes, it feels like hard work, perseverance and determination. I was introduced to the idea of self-care through a good friend, introspection and good old research. While the concept wasn't entirely foreign to me, it wasn't until last year that I understood what self-care truly meant.

I won't pretend that I'm an expert in the topic of self-care because I'm far from it. However, I did feel compelled to write about it because it's become such an important part of my life. Here are some self-care myths that, I realized, aren't always necessarily true:

Eat whatever you want. Nope. Nope. Nope. There's a rampant assumption that self-care is all about taking care of your soul when that couldn't be farther from the truth. Self-care is taking care of your body, mind and soul. Consuming whatever you want without any regard for nutrition leaves your body malnourished, consequently making it more difficult to take care of the rest of you. Go ahead, indulge in a chocolate bar once in awhile but please do yourself a favor - eat better!

Do not force yourself to socialize. This largely depends on the circumstances. I'm an introvert at heart and there is nothing more tempting than to stay in my pajamas, binge watch netflix and drink hot tea for the rest of my life. However, that's not always a good thing. Isolating yourself only plunges you into stagnation and depression. It's good to strike a balance between some good old 'me-time' and tete-a-tetes with loved ones. After all, "no man is an island". **Important side note: If a person is toxic, cut them loose. There's no point in keeping up with people who only add negativity to your life.

Don't do anything! This is pretty much an extension of number two - it also depends on the circumstances. Do nothing day is relaxing. However, more often than not, being productive produces a more positive effect in your life in the long-run. Let's say you procrastinated because you felt like doing nothing. Getting back on schedule will leave you more stressed because you're falling behind. It's important to know your responsibilities and to commit to them. Productivity also increases your sense of accomplishment and self-worth, especially after you achieve a goal. So push yourself - do your laundry, wake up early to get to work on time, exercise. It might not be an alluring prospect as of the moment, but future you will definitely be thankful for it.

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Los Angeles is one of those cities you can't help but develop a love-hate relationship with, and this city, with its glamour and grime, changed my life in innumerable ways. 

I understand the stereotypical hate on Los Angeles - the hideous traffic that can double, nay triple, commute time if you happened to be extra unfortunate, getting more than your fair share of pollution, the slew of cliques that make socializing seem more like a jungle, the vapidity and superficiality of it all. But to loathe the city means to completely ignore the beauty you can unearth between the flaws, and aren't we all waiting for someone to find beauty underneath our imperfections?

I've been calling LA home for five years now and while I have yet to fully explore the city and all that it has to offer, I am continuously enamored with it. What with its wide array of food options, eclectic mishmash of art and culture and that feeling of being home yet having the independence to be whoever you want to be, Los Angeles is home.

Dealing with anxiety disorder, specifically Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) & social anxiety, has been a struggle I've known for as long as I can remember. I always thought it was something only I faced, what with everyone else seeming as if they had their lives together. It wasn't until I found out that anxiety disorders affected a substantial portion of the population (18% of the US population for people 18 years old & above to be exact) that I felt more curious and less hopeless about anxiety.

Everyone experiences anxiety. Anxiety is a normal reaction to a stressor, and it is generally considered a good thing in select circumstances like when you're finishing a deadline, studying for an exam or becoming vigilant in a potentially life-threatening situation. It stops becoming normal, however, when anxiety symptoms start popping up without a stressor you can pinpoint, when it impairs your quality of life and when the intensity and duration of your anxious symptoms is disproportionate to an actual stressor you have.

It's easy to get swept into your own world when you're feeling anxious but I reiterate, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Knowing that fact has helped me deal with the anxiety/panic-attacks-for-absolutely-no-reason-at-all, avoiding-people-and-situations-because-the-thought-anything-going-wrong-freaked-me-out-too-much, and feeling like I'm going to die for making a simple mistake. I've also utilized the following four tips that made dealing with anxiety disorder that much better:

1. Meditate regularly - If I'm being honest, I initially thought meditation was just ridiculous mumbo jumbo (except it's actually backed by numerous scientific studies like this, this and this). It also seemed intimidating for someone like me whose thoughts get distracted by my own thoughts. But once I got started, I was hooked. The difference it made was staggering! I am currently using the app called Breathe to meditate on a regular basis. It helped me learn how to meditate properly and if you're just dipping your toes in the meditation water, you'll definitely love it.
2. Take care of your body - Keep up a regular exercise regimen. Avoid or minimize junk food, alcohol and caffeine like the plague. Make sure to have a sound and restful sleep daily. A person who is in their prime physical health is more difficult to emotionally destabilize than someone who's hungry, lethargic and sleep-deprived. Not only will your body thank you, your mind and soul will too.
3. Surround yourself with the right people - Cutting toxic people loose has been one of the most important things I've done in my entire life. Now that I have been blessed with amazing and extremely loving people, the level of satisfaction in my life is 100% better than it has ever been before. Remember, the right people will know when to lift you up, push you to try harder and call you out on your bullshit. They're going to mess up sometimes, but that's what honest communication is for. ;)
4. You can't control your feelings. You can only control how YOU react to them. If there's one thing I consider to be an essential lesson I learned growing up, it is that feelings aren't something you can control. If you were anything like me, trying to control the overwhelming feelings of anxiety only ended up working against me, in that it only served to make me even more anxious. I've learned to merely acknowledge my feelings without judging it or attempting to curb it. Not only has it helped me become more self-aware, it has also helped me become more in tune of my feelings, easily pinpointing what they are and reacting appropriately.

Quick note: These tips are not meant to substitute for anxiolytics. If your psychologist feels that pharmaceutical interventions are necessary for your case, please follow their recommendations.

Don't get me wrong, dealing with anxiety is still a semi-regular issue for me. I have days that could go better, and there are days where everything feels like it's going down the gutter. But the hope of a better, less anxious Jane in the future propels me forward with my chin up, a smile on my lips and my daily mantra replaying on my mind "Appreciate where you are. You are working towards being the best person you can be". And really, what else could I ask for?

One of the numerous things my boyfriend and I love in all mutuality and without question (aside from each other) is food. So it only makes sense that trying new places is also our favorite thing to do on our dates. Here are a few new places we've tried over the last couple of months:

Grilliant

This was a yelp search result while we were looking for food close to the Museum of Jurassic Technology (the visit of which I wrote about in detail here). Grilliant, despite its clean and precise aesthetic, was kind of a disaster for both of us. We had ordered two salmon kebab plate, eggplant mirza & sumac fries. Okay, first off, as I was about to take a sip from my glass of water, I noticed a lipstick mark on my glass. I immediately went up to the cashier and asked for a replacement. She had apologized profusely and offered free drinks, which I had declined. We rarely really drink anything but water. That was discomfiting but no harm, no foul as they say.

When our order came, the waitress only brought one salmon kebab plate, instead of two. It was merely a misunderstanding and we ordered another plate. The eggplant mirza came with pita slices and it was delicious! The sumac fries were 'eh' though, and weren't really all that memorable (I'm probably going to make a top 5 best french fries post soon given how much my boyfriend loves fries so keep a lookout!). We started eating one of the plates but when the second one finally came, we were starting to get irked. The cashier took our order wrong and brought us a chicken kebab plate - not a salmon one. Considering we are both paescetarian, it was getting on my nerves.

The eggplant mirza and pita slices. This was so good!

Sumac fries and salmon kebab plate. The former was 'eh' and the latter was delicious!

Chocolate covered strawberries

We decided to eat the chicken regardless (because throwing it away would have been a bigger travesty to the chicken who had to die for it). When we were finishing up on our meal, the manager came and gave us two chocolate covered strawberries to apologize for all the mix up. They were delicious, and given how we were enjoying ourselves regardless, it was easy to let all the mishaps go. Are we going to come back? Probably not, considering it's located in Culver City and we're rarely ever in the area. But if we come back, I'd give them a second chance. The food itself was good and hey, maybe they were having an off day.

Eden on Brand
A new addition to the emerging nightlife of Glendale, my boyfriend wanted to try this place for the longest time but wanted to wait until I was raring to go.The ambiance is wonderful albeit it was a bit too rambunctious for my taste. We went for dinner and ordered the Mexican Pizza, the Truffle Burger, cannoli, a sour beer for me and an IPA for my boyfriend. The Mexican pizza was good taste-wise, except I did not pay $14 for pizza that tastes exactly like tacos. It was an interesting experience for sure but honestly not something I would do again. My boyfriend liked his burger though I personally found it ho-hum.

Probably one of the biggest let-down was the cannoli we ordered - they looked nothing like a cannoli. It was basically just donuts with caramel sauce and strawberry & pistachio ice cream. As a big fan of ice cream, I have to admit the ice cream was really good, but that doesn't legitimize the fraudulent advertising. It was good but it was no cannoli.

Personally, the food wasn't worth it for me and I'm not going back.

This is nowhere near what an actual cannoli looks like

Crab Boil (Brunch)
Crab Boil is a place we frequent for dinner. It's a good substitute to Boiling Crab and it's closer to our area in general. They recently added a brunch menu, and as people who yearn for new things, we went ahead and gave their brunch selections a try.

My boyfriend ordered shrimp & grits with roasted potatoes while I ordered Crab Benedict with hashbrowns. We also ordered nutella topped beignets for dessert. The verdict? We'll skip brunch and just go to Crab Boil for dinner like we always do. There was nothing specifically wrong with the dishes per se but cajun was just not a fitting meal for breakfast. It was heavy yet grating at the same time. The beignets weren't the right texture that we wanted and everything was just 'OK'. Our taste buds aren't particularly content with OK.

Any recent food trips you went on recently? What are you raring to try?

The Museum of Jurassic Technology came highly recommended by one of my boyfriend's friends, and since we both love trying out new places, we went to Culver City filled with excitement. This museum is an oddball alright. I think my boyfriend coined it perfectly when he said "It's like an anti-museum".

I expected something somewhat gargantuan to reflect what seemed like its larger-than-life name but the facade was pretty unassuming. Once inside, a receptionist and shelves of books welcomed us. We paid $8, which was the price for the general admission, and stepped into the actual museum. A sign that discouraged photography/videography was placed predominantly on the wall as you enter. As weird sounds wafted through the air, wispy lights provided the sole source of brightness, giving the place an eerie and somber effect. If you're claustrophobic, the first floor may not be the best place for you.

There are two floors of completely random, almost haphazard exhibits. Some of the exhibits weren't working while others were just completely bathed in darkness. I don't have a lot of photos but have managed to take a few regardless.

I know photography was highly discouraged because it may encumber the other visitors but a bust of Napoleon Bonaparte in an adjoining room that had no one else in it was just too tempting.

Next to the bust of Napoleon Bonaparte. I'm not entirely sure why I took a photo of this.

A bouquet of flowers in the tea room. 

Black English tea & cookies served freely in the tea room. This was really good!

Tea room.

I think my favorite things about the entire museum were the video biography & exhibit of Hagop Sandaldijian microminiature statues, Henry Dalton's micromosaics, the tea room, the tea itself (it was really good tea) and the aviary. Photographs were strictly not allowed in the aviary so I don't have photos of those, but believe me when I say that it is a refreshing sight to behold. Boyfriend and I especially loved the architectural styles of both the tea room and the aviary.

Shortly thereafter, I found out that some of the things in the exhibit were, more often than not, untrue. I told you it was very "anti-museum". *wink* Overall, this place was an interesting way to spend an hour or two in. I would recommend it to open-minded people who want nothing specific but also nothing rather mundane. I wouldn't go back anytime soon, but it was well worth the drive.

Have you been to The Museum of Jurassic Technology? What are your thoughts?

Day Two:

My coworkers are simply one of the loveliest groups of people I know, and they made me feel so wonderfully loved for my birthday. In fact, funnily enough, they were far more excited for my birthday than I was. When I came in to work last Friday, I was surprised by some pretty festive birthday decorations on my desk. There were also flowers, heartwarming birthday cards (with money & fandango gift cards in them) and food!

 Boxes of donuts, cookies, salamis, cheese dips, crackers & salmon dips.

 Flowers galore!

Around 10 a.m., while I was busy working, I was surprised by my coworkers singing a birthday song for me and a cupcake with a candle on it for me to be able to "make a wish" on. Afterwards, one of my sweet coworkers drove me home since I literally had a whole box of things to bring home with me. I have to hand it to my coworkers - they know how to make a girl feel so loved.

Day Three:

On Sunday evening, I spent my dinner with my family over three pounds of shrimp and two pounds of mussels from  Holy Crab. It was good but definitely not Boiling Crab or Crab Boil good.

 My sister Yen-yen took these photos of me laughing like a complete goofball outside Holy Crab.

Regardless, we had a lot of fun singing karaoke, catching up and watching their latest TV show obsession - the reincarnation of the 1968 Hawaii Five-O called Hawaii Five-0. I love my weird, beautiful family with all my heart, and I'm so thankful for them. <3

And with that, my 26th birthday celebration ends. 

My 26th birthday might just be the best birthday I've ever had so far, and I'll tell you why. Aside from the fact that I've gotten some pretty special birthday greetings (you all know who you are and I love you all), I'm just at a point in my life where I feel so blessed and loved by people surrounding me.

Two months before my actual birthday, my boyfriend asked if I could take time off of work because he was taking me somewhere special. While I must admit he had to finagle my yes, I eventually conceded. A couple of weeks before my birthday, I asked for clues to help me prepare and he merely told me,"Wear something cute and comfortable. But mostly comfortable". On the day of my actual birthday, I woke up late even though we had initially planned to be on the road at 7:30 a.m. but I'm the birthday girl so whatever. Haha! He took me to Foxy's for their Lox Benedict, which is one of my favorite breakfasts of all time. My boyfriend got the Ahi Tuna wrap and split pea soup. I forgot to take photos since I was really hungry. Nevertheless, favorite breakfast? Check! We were off to a good start!

While I had my suspicions as to where he was taking me, I was never quite sure until I saw the exit - Disneyland Drive. WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND!

As soon as we got there, we put a fast pass in for the Space Mountain then fell in line for Star Tours. It was a fun ride albeit a short one. I loved being able to see R2D2 and C3PO. In fact, C3PO was our purported pilot as we journeyed through Otoh Gunga. My boyfriend told me that different Starspeeder cars go to different courses. I kind of hoped we got the Coruscant one, but Otoh Gunga was super fun as well.

Next, we went to the Haunted Mansion, which was probably one of my favorite rides in Disneyland. The effects were fascinating and I kind of fell in love with that scene in the ballroom with all the dancing ghosts. Afterwards, we went to Splash Mountain, which is also one of my favorite rides. I mean, sure my feet got wet and my boyfriend decided to take a photo of my ugliest expression during the 50 feet drop because it was "adorable", but I really enjoyed that ride.

We went to the Matterhorn ride afterwards, and I practically screamed my head off. I honestly should have realized right then and there that *maybe* roller coasters aren't my thing, but it was my birthday and I was feeling adventurous. The teacup ride was just adorable to be honest, and my boyfriend and I took a video of each other throughout the entire ride, one of which I've shared on my instagram.

After the teacup ride, our fast pass for Space Mountain was up so we immediately made our way there. Can I just say that the Space Mountain was extremely terrifying for me that I made my right wrist sore trying to hold too tightly onto the lap rail? Yep, that happened. Not only did my boyfriend determine that I probably won't find Six Flags fun, I practically swore up and down to never set foot in Six Flags for my sanity and larynx's sake.

We got lunch at Tomorrowland and watched the Star Wars show while eating then quickly headed to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride immediately after. Compared to Space Mountain, the ride was tame and, dare I say, a little bit romantic at some point. Afterwards, we took the Indiana Jones, It's a Small World & Dumbo rides respectively.

This is the facade for the It's a Small World ride. It was a magnificent view even from afar, and I just knew I had to take a photo. Isn't it gorgeous?

My boyfriend was pleasantly surprised that we had managed to go on all the go-to rides, and I was feeling a bit disappointed that there weren't any Disney princesses and that Disneyland was a bit underwhelming. If it wasn't for my boyfriend's awesome company, I wouldn't have had as much fun as I've had. But wow, Disney apparently thought that I was long overdue for my own pleasant surprise.

As soon as the clock hit 7:45 p.m. the Paint the Night parade begun, and my night light & Disney-loving heart was on cloud nine! It was an amazing sight to behold and it completely made my entire night. Two minutes before the fireworks show, an announcement was made that it might be cancelled due to the high winds. Everyone made a moan of disappointment, which I believe, made a difference as to what they decided on doing instead. And yes, you guessed it. They totally did the fireworks show regardless of the previous announcement. Once the firework show started in celebration for Disney's 60th anniversary, I almost died of pure and utter bliss.

Trust me, the photos don't even do it any justice. The fireworks show was spectacular, and I could totally see why Walt Disney meant for it to be a "kiss good night". I'm just so happy that it wasn't cancelled - that was quite a show to miss! I even told my boyfriend that I'd be willing to pay the entirety of Disney tickets for the fireworks show alone. I mean, pragmatically speaking, I'm not going to do it, but in theory, I totally would.

Afterwards, we got dinner in Downtown Disney, specifically at Crossroads. We ordered the Lobster Mac & Cheese and Blackened Mahi-Mahi, which was the Market Fish of the Day.

I feel so blessed, so loved and just so content with my life right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm hustling hard to reach my career goals and all the other things I want to achieve. But right now, regardless of where I am in life, people who love me make me feel like I can do anything. In fact, Doby's birthday greeting on facebook could not have been worded more accurately,"To one of the most blessed woman I know, Happy Happy Birthday, Babe! I know you're happy already so just be happier until next year. And the year after next. And after that. And after after that. Forever! Hahahaha! Happy birthday babe!" 

Happy 26th birthday to me. <3