This photo that I took on April of 2012 seemed appropriate for this particular post.

Asleep by The Smiths has been on repeat for more than a handful of minutes. Why does melancholy seem so majestic in melodies? In every note, in every heartrending do re mi, in every vestige of sound that reaches my foreboding ears, I am carried away into a breathtaking multiverse where bliss has become nonexistent and sorrow has turned mundane.

Pretense has been my favorite method to cope with the distress and the harrowing insignificance of my life. Bottling my emotions has turned into a means of escape from a world where every second of laughter and smiles seemed cumbersome and plagued and deceitful. Submitting myself into the pool of thoughts where in every letter, every word, every sentence, every paragraph I pour out in an empty space in the worldwide web has become my only comfort. 

I could talk and sound nonsensical. I could listen and become caught up in a web of ennui. I could stay away and become swathed in paroxysms of loneliness, of emptiness, of indifference. I can no longer feel human when all I could ever express are raging thoughts and pensive words. In fact, I no longer feel human at all.

I wrote this on December 17, 2011 - almost five years ago. I'm writing this very sentence with my heart filled with contentment, love and joy. It gets so much better. Never lose hope. 

Tête-à-tête (tāt ə ˈtāt,ˌtet ə ˈtet)

     noun 1. a private conversation between two people.

The Tête-à-tête series is yet another attempt of pursuing something creative in the hopes that looking through life filled with constant wonder and amazement - for its beauty and grime, rawness and surrealism - could evoke inspiration and hope for future Jane.

I named it Tête-à-tête to symbolize two things: 1.) Two forms of media that I love and the wonderful stories they weave together. 2.) Two people - the writer and the reader - sharing secrets and experiences between the lines of a short story, an essay or in this instance, a poem. This series will feature photographs of things I find alluring, and a form of spontaneous and usually unedited literature of my own making.

You think it's easier to live when disappointment
can't come sprawling between your toes, and failure
can't sprout from the soil underneath your feet.
So you suffocate the hope tied on your ankles, and
extinguish the flames of fervor burning in your chest.

You wake up hoping to view life by the sidelines,
as if the photographs you took at 2:46am could
mask the empty films scattered on your sheets.
You forget that your worth is not a currency
other people can buy & control at their whim.
You forget that every inhale your lungs make is of
hope, of silver linings, and of better things to come.

You need to start filling the holes you've dug
in your ivory bones with kind words instead of
criticisms. You need to look at your scars and
see them for what they are: humanity,
experience, history and grace.

There's a difference between humility and
carving flesh out of your ribs until you're
left with the remnants of compliments you
felt you were unworthy of.
You can't keep exsanguinating your veins,
hoping to find more, when there's nothing
left to save.

Darling, there's nothing worth with cowering
in the darkness for a little while - even beautiful
sunsets acquiesce to evenings.
But you need to rise again. It is only then that
you begin to find yourself. It is only then that
you discover, you are living.

- 10/19/16

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Los Angeles is one of those cities you can't help but develop a love-hate relationship with, and this city, with its glamour and grime, changed my life in innumerable ways. 

I understand the stereotypical hate on Los Angeles - the hideous traffic that can double, nay triple, commute time if you happened to be extra unfortunate, getting more than your fair share of pollution, the slew of cliques that make socializing seem more like a jungle, the vapidity and superficiality of it all. But to loathe the city means to completely ignore the beauty you can unearth between the flaws, and aren't we all waiting for someone to find beauty underneath our imperfections?

I've been calling LA home for five years now and while I have yet to fully explore the city and all that it has to offer, I am continuously enamored with it. What with its wide array of food options, eclectic mishmash of art and culture and that feeling of being home yet having the independence to be whoever you want to be, Los Angeles is home.

Dealing with anxiety disorder, specifically Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) & social anxiety, has been a struggle I've known for as long as I can remember. I always thought it was something only I faced, what with everyone else seeming as if they had their lives together. It wasn't until I found out that anxiety disorders affected a substantial portion of the population (18% of the US population for people 18 years old & above to be exact) that I felt more curious and less hopeless about anxiety.

Everyone experiences anxiety. Anxiety is a normal reaction to a stressor, and it is generally considered a good thing in select circumstances like when you're finishing a deadline, studying for an exam or becoming vigilant in a potentially life-threatening situation. It stops becoming normal, however, when anxiety symptoms start popping up without a stressor you can pinpoint, when it impairs your quality of life and when the intensity and duration of your anxious symptoms is disproportionate to an actual stressor you have.

It's easy to get swept into your own world when you're feeling anxious but I reiterate, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Knowing that fact has helped me deal with the anxiety/panic-attacks-for-absolutely-no-reason-at-all, avoiding-people-and-situations-because-the-thought-anything-going-wrong-freaked-me-out-too-much, and feeling like I'm going to die for making a simple mistake. I've also utilized the following four tips that made dealing with anxiety disorder that much better:

1. Meditate regularly - If I'm being honest, I initially thought meditation was just ridiculous mumbo jumbo (except it's actually backed by numerous scientific studies like this, this and this). It also seemed intimidating for someone like me whose thoughts get distracted by my own thoughts. But once I got started, I was hooked. The difference it made was staggering! I am currently using the app called Breathe to meditate on a regular basis. It helped me learn how to meditate properly and if you're just dipping your toes in the meditation water, you'll definitely love it.
2. Take care of your body - Keep up a regular exercise regimen. Avoid or minimize junk food, alcohol and caffeine like the plague. Make sure to have a sound and restful sleep daily. A person who is in their prime physical health is more difficult to emotionally destabilize than someone who's hungry, lethargic and sleep-deprived. Not only will your body thank you, your mind and soul will too.
3. Surround yourself with the right people - Cutting toxic people loose has been one of the most important things I've done in my entire life. Now that I have been blessed with amazing and extremely loving people, the level of satisfaction in my life is 100% better than it has ever been before. Remember, the right people will know when to lift you up, push you to try harder and call you out on your bullshit. They're going to mess up sometimes, but that's what honest communication is for. ;)
4. You can't control your feelings. You can only control how YOU react to them. If there's one thing I consider to be an essential lesson I learned growing up, it is that feelings aren't something you can control. If you were anything like me, trying to control the overwhelming feelings of anxiety only ended up working against me, in that it only served to make me even more anxious. I've learned to merely acknowledge my feelings without judging it or attempting to curb it. Not only has it helped me become more self-aware, it has also helped me become more in tune of my feelings, easily pinpointing what they are and reacting appropriately.

Quick note: These tips are not meant to substitute for anxiolytics. If your psychologist feels that pharmaceutical interventions are necessary for your case, please follow their recommendations.

Don't get me wrong, dealing with anxiety is still a semi-regular issue for me. I have days that could go better, and there are days where everything feels like it's going down the gutter. But the hope of a better, less anxious Jane in the future propels me forward with my chin up, a smile on my lips and my daily mantra replaying on my mind "Appreciate where you are. You are working towards being the best person you can be". And really, what else could I ask for?

The Museum of Jurassic Technology came highly recommended by one of my boyfriend's friends, and since we both love trying out new places, we went to Culver City filled with excitement. This museum is an oddball alright. I think my boyfriend coined it perfectly when he said "It's like an anti-museum".

I expected something somewhat gargantuan to reflect what seemed like its larger-than-life name but the facade was pretty unassuming. Once inside, a receptionist and shelves of books welcomed us. We paid $8, which was the price for the general admission, and stepped into the actual museum. A sign that discouraged photography/videography was placed predominantly on the wall as you enter. As weird sounds wafted through the air, wispy lights provided the sole source of brightness, giving the place an eerie and somber effect. If you're claustrophobic, the first floor may not be the best place for you.

There are two floors of completely random, almost haphazard exhibits. Some of the exhibits weren't working while others were just completely bathed in darkness. I don't have a lot of photos but have managed to take a few regardless.

I know photography was highly discouraged because it may encumber the other visitors but a bust of Napoleon Bonaparte in an adjoining room that had no one else in it was just too tempting.

Next to the bust of Napoleon Bonaparte. I'm not entirely sure why I took a photo of this.

A bouquet of flowers in the tea room. 

Black English tea & cookies served freely in the tea room. This was really good!

Tea room.

I think my favorite things about the entire museum were the video biography & exhibit of Hagop Sandaldijian microminiature statues, Henry Dalton's micromosaics, the tea room, the tea itself (it was really good tea) and the aviary. Photographs were strictly not allowed in the aviary so I don't have photos of those, but believe me when I say that it is a refreshing sight to behold. Boyfriend and I especially loved the architectural styles of both the tea room and the aviary.

Shortly thereafter, I found out that some of the things in the exhibit were, more often than not, untrue. I told you it was very "anti-museum". *wink* Overall, this place was an interesting way to spend an hour or two in. I would recommend it to open-minded people who want nothing specific but also nothing rather mundane. I wouldn't go back anytime soon, but it was well worth the drive.

Have you been to The Museum of Jurassic Technology? What are your thoughts?

Day Two:

My coworkers are simply one of the loveliest groups of people I know, and they made me feel so wonderfully loved for my birthday. In fact, funnily enough, they were far more excited for my birthday than I was. When I came in to work last Friday, I was surprised by some pretty festive birthday decorations on my desk. There were also flowers, heartwarming birthday cards (with money & fandango gift cards in them) and food!

 Boxes of donuts, cookies, salamis, cheese dips, crackers & salmon dips.

 Flowers galore!

Around 10 a.m., while I was busy working, I was surprised by my coworkers singing a birthday song for me and a cupcake with a candle on it for me to be able to "make a wish" on. Afterwards, one of my sweet coworkers drove me home since I literally had a whole box of things to bring home with me. I have to hand it to my coworkers - they know how to make a girl feel so loved.

Day Three:

On Sunday evening, I spent my dinner with my family over three pounds of shrimp and two pounds of mussels from  Holy Crab. It was good but definitely not Boiling Crab or Crab Boil good.

 My sister Yen-yen took these photos of me laughing like a complete goofball outside Holy Crab.

Regardless, we had a lot of fun singing karaoke, catching up and watching their latest TV show obsession - the reincarnation of the 1968 Hawaii Five-O called Hawaii Five-0. I love my weird, beautiful family with all my heart, and I'm so thankful for them. <3

And with that, my 26th birthday celebration ends. 

In the beginning of February 2016, I made the decision to become paescetarian. As someone who grew up in a culture that's predominantly meat-centric, the change wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be. I mean, sure, living in Los Angeles means access to hundreds, if not thousands, of pescatarian, vegetarian & vegan options - and they're all wonderfully delightful to the palate. But hanging out with people who eat meat was pretty much the hardest part of it all because I kind of felt like I was being fussy by making our restaurant choices more limited.

I've come to this decision fueled by a conglomeration of reasons, most of which I will gladly iterate below:

1. Help the planet. If you live in LA, you might have seen one of those billboards where skipping a burger ends up saving as much water as skipping a thousand showers. And yes, these are backed by studies. Additionally, the meat & poultry industry are major contributors to en masse deforestation & toxic waste - not exactly good for Mother Nature.
2. Help people. If you're thinking that quitting meat & poultry doesn't benefit other people as well (I mean, you know, aside from the blatantly obvious if-our-planet-dies-we-all-die-argument), you're wrong. Did you know that the amount of grains being fed to the cow you're chomping on in the United States alone could have easily fed 60 million people dying of starvation globally? I don't know about you but my conscience prohibits me from enjoying a meal preference that could benefit plenty more people around the world.
3. Help animals. The cruelty that pigs, cows & chickens endure is honestly heartbreaking, and I can't close my eyes and pretend I didn't know about these horrific circumstances. I can no longer just prioritize my taste buds or dietary preference for millions of animals violently slaughtered in a year.
4. Help yourself. Quitting meat & poultry bestows you with numerous health benefits including but are not limited to reducing your risk for osteoporosis, obesity, diabetes, arthritis, heart diseases, hypertension and some types of cancer.

I'm actually seriously thinking about going vegan, if not vegetarian, for the future or at least for the most part of the week until I can get accustomed to the lifestyle. I'm proud to tell people I'm an animal lover, and for it to actually ring true.

Even before I moved into the neighborhood, I've always been enamored with Echo Park. In fact, one of my dreams was to jog around Echo Park lake (which is actually something I got to do before 2015 ended - yay!).

Since moving in, I've fallen for this neighborhood hook, line and sinker. Here are some of the reasons why:

The Echo Park Lake is definitely a sweet spot for a picnic or a run!

Street art near Mohawk Bend, one of the numerous restaurants inundating Echo Park.

 I'm completely in love with sunsets here..

Gorgeous flowers sold for $2 at the Vons.

• Echo Park Lake. Seriously, if you don't think this is one of the best parts about living in Echo Park, you're wrong. With its newly renovated lake, stunning panoramic view and the wide running area, this place is a sight to behold and every runner's wet dream.
• Proximity to everything! I live in a walking distance to bus stops, more than enough groceries (I'm counting 4 so far), pharmacies, libraries, post office and restaurants offering a variety of cuisines. Other than that, EP is smack dab in the middle of other neighborhoods, including Silver lake, Los Feliz, Highland Park, Atwater Village and Glendale.
• Thrift stores and 99 cents stores galore. I'm a fan of thrifting and cheap purchases in general. Some of my favorite thrift stores in the area are the Lemon Frog Shop Vintage Bazaar & Sunday's Best Thrift Apparel. Finding unique & adorable clothes, random knick knacks, books and art for half the price is always a wonderful thing in my book.
• Nightlife & entertainment are easy to find. Echo Park is home to a wide array of bars and concert venues in walking distance to each other. The Echo, Echoplex & The Satellite all have events going on throughout the week. Sunset Beer Company, an amazing liquor store/bar that I visit when I get a hankering for a duchess or a framboise, is a stone's throw away from my apartment. EP also happens to be a haven for tranquil and relaxing coffee shops if you want to just hang out with a friend, study for an upcoming exam or write the next big hit. Stories Books & Cafe is definitely my favorite as it combines delicious food & drinks, and lots of carefully curated books.
• Lots of hidden gems - I mean lots of hidden gems. There's the Time Travel Mart, which has an armada of interesting and quirky items for fun and is the perfect place for your next white Christmas. There's the beautiful wildflower trail, which is a perfect beginner's hiking trail. The Baxter stairs are a cool addition to the neighborhood, and Carroll Avenue, which houses Victorian era architectural styles, provides a snippet of heritage. I have yet to uncover a lot of things in Echo Park but I look forward to discovering new things in my new neighborhood.

How about you? What do you like about your neighborhood?

It's another Monday!

And while I was tempted to groan my day away, I'm actually excited to list the things I'm grateful for. It's pretty funny - one of my eyelashes fell on my cheeks yesterday and my boyfriend picked it up. He then told me to make a wish but guess what? I drew a blank. I couldn't think of anything to wish for! My life seemed so perfect and I'm just so happy that I can't ask for anything else (which is far from true - life is never perfect, but happiness is a mindset away!) Anyway, here are five things I'm grateful for recently:

1. My little sister J kicking ass at her dance recital. She's grown so much as a dancer and a performer, and it's a stunning sight to behold. She's such an independent, passionate and wonderfully artistic young woman, and hearing her talk about how much she loves dancing fills me with bliss. I'm so proud of the woman she's becoming. 
2. Traversing Old Town Pasadena on a beautiful Sunday.
3. ...and the delicious food that comes with it. The reason why we came to Pasadena in the first place was because I wanted to try ube leche flan cupcakes (it turned out that the cafe didn't serve them on any other days except Tuesday and Saturday). Nevertheless, we had our fill our delicious food from Crepe Studio and Waffles de Liege.
4. Hanging out with my little sister K. Conversations with her has always been fun and thought provoking, and I definitely miss our girl talks.
5. Cats and all their smug, "the-fact-that-I'm-in-the-same-room-as-you-are-is-purely-a-coincidence" adorableness.

This gorgeous building struck us from afar, and we knew we needed to see it up close and personal. It didn't disappoint!

We ordered the Speculoos Waffle and the Classic Nutella waffle. They were so decadent that we barely got to finish our waffles before calling it quits. I got to take them home for breakfast the next day so it's a win-win!

My first time trying savory crepes. I had gotten the classic tuna savory crepe while R got the classic breakfast crepe. I loved both of them equally, for two entirely different reasons. The place also had this delicious kombucha on tap . I will most definitely be back for more!

Hutu is one of my favorite cats in the entire world. He's adorable, fluffy and likes attention (for the most part). He also likes to sit on my lap/leg/foot and I get to pet him for as long as he stays on there.

How about you? What are you thankful for?