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Grayscale: Introspection

By 1:24 AM , , , , ,

I've realized that while my blog name is 'The Introvert Introspects', most of my blog posts did not cater to introspection and self-awareness. I started this blog in order to document my life through the difficult and tumultuous years of adulthood with all the creative (mis)pursuits, epiphanies, transitions and emotional roller coasters in between. Instead, it felt more like I was deigning to an audience. So, this Grayscale post is an homage to introspection. Questions taken here.

Where do I want to be in five years time? 
I want to be healthier, more knowledgeable about a variety of subjects and someone who has accumulated comprehensive knowledge in my chosen career path. I want to be more patient, optimistic, kinder and more understanding. I want to live some place close to the sea or somewhere I don't have to learn how to drive.

How did I want to feel on the inside in five years time? 
Happy, calm and content.

What bad habits do I need to stop? 
Comparing myself to other people.

What mistakes have I made today?
Not being able to accept compliments graciously.

Who do I envy or admire? What qualities do these people have? In what way can I learn from them? What is it about them that inspires me? 
I had to mull over my answer to this question for a while because I honestly didn't want to choose who I'm going to choose now (mostly because I didn't want to sound boyfriend-centric than I already seem to be) but I really do admire my boyfriend a lot. He's intelligent, cultured and knowledgeable in numerous subjects, be it music, culture, literature, art, food, pop culture or science (I've mentioned that when he says he doesn't know something, I refuse to believe him at first!). He's self-sufficient, independent and incredibly hardworking. He enjoys challenges and pushing his intellect to its limits. He's affectionate, loving, patient and so kind. Yet, at the same time, he does not stand for bullshit and he's definitely no doormat. He knows who he is and what he wants, and he respects himself and his boundaries. I admire his strength of character, his forgiving nature and the fact that he owns up to his mistakes. He's amazing.

What stories have I told myself?
That I wasn't worthy or enough. 

Who do I love and who loves me? 
Daily struggles of trying to love Myself. Family. Animals. Boyfriend. Friends.
I know my family, my friends and my boyfriend love me as well.

If no one judged me, who would I be?
I'd be way less anxious and more excited to pursue what life has to offer. I'd be calmer and more centered. I would definitely be more optimistic, adventurous and brave.

I think what definitely struck me the most was the "If no one judged me, who would I be?" question. Because really, who cares? We all get judged and we, as human as we are, also judge others (though I try not to discuss other people's business unless it impedes someone else's freedom/life). I can achieve what I want to be starting now, in this moment. I keep on forgetting that other people's opinions of me do not reflect me - it reflects them. So really, why is the fear of being judged holding me back from taking life by its horns?

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